Tuesday, May 31, 2005
[ im feelin this: alright ]
lyrics to gorillaz
[ im feelin this: red wine lips ]
[ im feelin this: Angered! ]
[ im feelin this: alive and lazy ]
[ im feelin this: ILL ]
[soundtrack to life: haunted by chuck palahniuk ]
so here i am in another place, im home. i got into a huge fight with my mother and i guess its over but im still put off by it. she wanted to criticize everything i did. oh well i dont want to talk about it anymore.
so i got haunted. not by someone, but the book, by chuck palahniuk. it came out on the third but i didnt know that, i thought i still had a few days but i went to all the libraries lookign for it and i finally found it in audio, but as ive been listening to it, i like it better reading it. but i cant be picky, i finally got it. maybe i can find more of the stories online and read them. i wouldnt mind reading them with the audio, but i really like reading them. i also got diary which i never read. i never finished my goal, which was to read every book he wrote, but i never finished stranger than fiction and i never read diary so i got diary and the audio of haunted, which i have read two stories. also i wanted to have him reading it, because i like his voice, but it is narrated by other people. anyways, im going to put a section of guts in here, not all so not to steal but i will put the link to the place i got it, if you wanna read it.
anyways thats all for now. heres guts. and an audio of chuck reading it.
guts words
guts audio
What I can tell you is your guts don't feel much pain. Not the way your skin feels pain. The stuff you're digesting, doctors call it fecal matter. Higher up is chyme, pockets of a thin, runny mess studded with corn and peanuts and round green peas.That's all this soup of blood and corn, shit and sperm and peanuts floating around me. Even with my guts unravel¬ing out my ass, me holding on to what's left, even then my first want is to some¬how get my swimsuit back on.God forbid my folks see my dick.My one hand holding a fist around my ass, my other hand snags my yellow¬striped swim trunks and pulls them from around my neck. Still, getting into them is impossible.You want to feel your intestines, go buy a pack of those lambskin condoms. Take one out and unroll it. Pack it with peanut butter. Smear it with petroleum jelly and hold it under water. Then try to tear it. Try to pull it in half. It's too tough and rubbery. It's so slimy you can't hold on.A lambskin condom, that's just plain old intestine.You can see what I'm up against.You let go for a second and you're gutted.You swim for the surface, for a breath, and you're gutted.You don't swim and you drown.It's a choice between being dead right now or a minute from right now.What my folks will find after work is a big naked fetus, curled in on itself. Floating in the cloudy water of their backyard pool. Tethered to the bottom by a thick rope of veins and twisted guts. The opposite of a kid hanging himself to death while he jacks off. This is the baby they brought home from the hospital 13 years ago. Here's the kid they hoped would snag a football schol¬arship and get an MBA. Who'd care for them in their old age. Here's all their hopes and dreams. Floating here, naked and dead. All around him, big milky pearls of wasted sperm.Either that or my folks will find me wrapped in a bloody towel, collapsed halfway from the pool to the kitchen tele¬phone, the ragged, torn scrap of my guts still hanging out the leg of my yellow¬striped swim trunks.What even the French won't talk about.That big brother in the Navy, he taught us one other good phrase. A Russian phrase. The way we say, "I need that like I need a hole in my head...," Russian people say, "I need that like I need teeth in my asshole......Mne eto nado kak zuby v zadnitse. Those stories about how animals caught in a trap will chew off their leg, well, any coyote would tell you a couple bites beats the hell out of being dead.Hell ... even if you're Russian, someday you just might want those teeth. Otherwise, what you have to do is¬you have to twist around. You hook one elbow behind your knee and pull that leg up into your face. You bite and snap at your own ass. You run out of air and you will chew through anything to get that next breath.It's not something you want to tell a girl on the first date. Not if you expect a kiss good night. If I told you how it tasted, you would never, ever again eat calamari.It's hard to say what my parents were more disgusted by: how I'd got in trou¬ble or how I'd saved myself. After the hospital, my mom said, "You didn't know what you were doing, honey. You were in shock." And she learned how to cook poached eggs.All those people grossed out or feeling sorry for me....I need that like I need teeth in my asshole.
in love with love and lousy poetry
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Once upon a time at the foot of a great mountain, there was a town where the people known as Happyfolk lived. Their very existence a mystery to the rest of the world. Obscured, as it was, by great clouds. Here they played out their peaceful lives, innocent of the litany of excessive violence that was growing in the world below. To live in harmony with the spirit of the mountain called Monkey was enough. Then one day, Strangefolk arrived in the town. They came in camouflage, hidden behind dark glasses, but no one noticed them. They only saw shadows. you see, without the trick to the eyes the happy folk were blind... Falling out of airplanes and hiding out in holes. Waiting for the sunset to come, people going home. Jump out from behind them and shoot them in the head. Now everybody dancing, the dance of the dead, the dance of the dead. the dance of the dead... In time, the Strangefolk found their way into the higher reaches of the mountain, and it was there that they found the caves of Unimaginable Sincerity and Beauty. By chance, they stumbled upon The Place Where All Good Souls Come to Rest. The Strangefolk, they coveted the jewels in these caves above all things, and soon they began to mine the mountain, it's rich seam fuelling the chaos of their own world. Meanwhile, down in the town, the Happyfolk slept restlessly. Their dreams invaded by shadowy figures digging away at their souls. Every day, people would wake and stare at the mountain. Why was it bringing darkness into their lives? And as the strange folk mined deeper and deeper into the mountain, holes began to appear, bringing with them a cold and bitter wind that chilled the very soul of the Monkey. For the first time, the Happyfolk felt fearful, for they knew that soon the monkey would stir from it's deep sleep. Then there came a sound, distant first, that grew into castrophany so immense, that it could be heard far away in space. There were no screams, there was no time. The mountain called monkey had spoken. There was only fire, and then, nothing... Oh little town in USA, the time has come to see there's nothing you believe you want but where were you when it all came down on me? Did you call me out?
Monday, May 23, 2005
[soundtrack to life : fiona apple extrAordinary machine ]
hey all, well i am currently in hoboken, new jersey, in my new abode for the summer. my place is really nice and we have a lot of space here. there is also a puppy dog who i have a hate/love relationshiip with and it could be better. i decided im not ready to live with a dog, just in the past three days. Well hoboken is tonz of fun, lots of cool places to hang out barz etc. there is a library which i am definately going to hitup. i wont be working until i come back from home so im definately past broke.
i went to brooklyn today and its smells and sights filled my eyes with water and my mouth with glee. i know that sounds pretentious but i mean it. i was walking down grahm avenue with a smile ear to ear. i have been drinking forms of red wine over the past few nights, and i think im getting sick of the way red wine tastes in my mouth. but ive been in the mood to just have a casual drink at the end of the night and thats what red wine is for, unless you are me usually, because i am a wino, i know it alright?!? lea'me 'lone.
that was to be said in a wino voice. i dont know who is going to read this because my computer is not hooked up to the internet and i am using billy's laptop and ichat is weird. i dont think you can have a profile, so oh well. anyways, maybe ill make a myspace blog about it, but i dont really care, im just posting to say it to someone. i went to the BX the other night and slept there, i played catch phrase and yes drank red wine and had fajitas and i really had a good night. josh is a good friend to have, he is always a bucket of laughs/fun/etc.
i went on a massive tour of the ny/nj area today beginnning on my way home from the bronx this morning, then through manhattan into nj, then later i went from nj, to manhattan, to brooklyn to move my car etc, and from brooklyn i went back to the city proper and then back to hoboken. wow im a travelor. it reminds me of when i would go to city class, wake up in BK go to manhattan, go back to BK and sometimes go out to jersey or out to the island and then back to manhattan and then always back to brooklyn that night to sleep.
crazee.
anyways im going back to my wine glass and my red teeth and lips and the other room to be social.
ciao
in love with love and lousy poetry
Thursday, May 19, 2005
[soundtrack to life: QandnotU ]
god im tired of reading people's plans to come hang out in my neighborhood! Get over it, it's cool and you aren't!
sorry. Too many shitty people at hofstra(especially over-pretentious film majors who think they are going to make something of themselves in life) are all dreamy-eyed about moving to and/or hanging out in Williamsburg. I know someone is like wait-kindel- you are a hypocrite. well "suck my balls mr.garrison" Anyways ive seen too many people from hofstra there, and thats still not that many for my liking. if you didnt get the memo in the past three years, i don't like you. Thats why i dont wanna hang out with you. this message is not directed at anyone i spend a dime of time on, bfas that i enjoy and you know if i like you, alright?
Don't invade my cooler than cool neighborhood, eat at my thai restaurant, buy my overpriced shirts and ipod accessories, drink my local brewed coffee or even eat my mutherfuckin perogi's, got it?
I'll just reference this, my beauregard has these "friends" right and at one point one of his roomies is walking around and this car almost hits him and he looks, cuz hes a hippster without a car and hates people who almost hit them, and who is but said "friends" Boy calls them, they dont answer and the next time he sees them he says, WTF? and they are all, we were going to a show, no time to see you. Yeah right, Fuck off.
i know brooklyn love is for everyone, yes indeed, but not for pricks from Long Island. Yea im a gurl from the suburbs who wants a little piece of life too, but i also dont think im that hott shit. Get over yourself. Ugg i just read this guys blog about how in september he is going to billyburg for his 21 and how its going to be sucha special occasion. You could go no Bro, no one's gonna card you cuz they dont care about your shitty self. i would quote but it went something like this " dress up like hippsters and go bar-hopping" go ahead, i hope some overly socialist chick hits on you with her smelly armpits and hairy leggs and you find it alluring cuz you've never met anyone like her before. Again i will say this, if you are a friend of mine with hairy leggs, i love you. Im just out to prove a point, that you are pretty cool in my book but theres a lot of chicks like that that live in williamsburg and none are as cool as the ones i know personally.
I just dont think that it needs to be glorified, i love it there so fucking much and last weekend on saturday i walked over the williamsburg bridge home from city class for the first time this year and the last for a while. it was really sad. But that doesnt mean that im going around telling all kinds of jerks that its perfect for them... ok thats a lie, i have been reccomending it to people who insist on moving to astoria or manhattan as an alternative but no one seems interested. Whatever it isnt for everyone, but it also doesnt need anymore stupid kids from hofstra-there are like 10 and thats just fine.
Ugg well enough about me, and my one true love brooklyn. Mmm im hungry for anytime but - im far away and i have a final tomorrow and i have to pack up all of my life before tomorrow am.
so the next time we speek will be a ways away, cuz the apt. doesnt have internet yet but i need it so we'll have it. i posted my resume on mandy for some jobs. i heard back from one, but the shooting is tomorrow and well as i said before i have an exam.
Ok well i love my friends and all of you at Hofstra that i got closer to this year i think you are all tops for tolerating me and making me feel like i belong, because i certainly never did before on my own account.
Md in like a week!
in love with love and lousy poetry
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
gun front 
gun back
camera front
camera back
other side
birdy bag
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
[soundtrack to life: Stars, Set yourself on Fire ]
as i was walking home from class today i thought "hmm....what kind of mood am i in?" and the answer was a bloggy-one. so here goes. quite possibly my last blog for a while, so fuckin treasure it! j/k. anyways, to catch you up:
i auditioned on thursday night
got three callbacks
got no part.
so thats where im at.anyways, i also spent a lot of time in NJ this weekend, saw the little baby on sat.night and on sunday me an my beauregaurd went to ho'broken as i am calling it and i decided it is actually very cute. walking around on my own time and seeing things i like to see was cooler than getting a tour by scene-ster wannabees. Hoboken will never = billyburg, but theres a good point, i spent last summer in williamsburg, what happens this one when i spend it in hoboken. we shall see my friends. we shall see. On another note, today is the second to last day of school. on thursday i will be going to mantauk to hang out and on friday i might be going to work. and then finals week begins. eep! well i think all will go well, im only worried about two of them, one is bullshit, two are performances that i think will go just fine and two are complete nightmares. so we'll see how it goes. the new stars album is rockin my dell*imshitty*DJ right now.i would recommend it to you if you 1) love new music 2)like broken social scene(the gurl is in stars) and 3) if you are really into being cool. there.
I made some bags last night but they came out really shitty, so i guess my mind was somewhere else. i had some good ideas but the transformation wasnt so good.
ill put up pix when i finish them or maybe ill just make new ones, so hah!
im going to start my thesis/practicum work soon which im thrilled about. the most massive woman wins. look for it in the beginning of the fall.
ill keep you posted.
well onto other things. see yah
in love with love and lousy poetry
Thursday, May 05, 2005
[soundtrack to life: broken social scene ]
hello friends.
i am currently in a lot of pain but thats ok, pain killers are fun!
i am also almost done with school which i cant wait for. as silly as it sounds i cant wait to be a senior and get the fuck outta here. although im sure ill be sad when i do, who cares.
my summer plans:
may 30-b'more, friends, love, family, beach, birthday, kierans graduation
june10(ish)-Ho' Broken: work, uhm life, uh yeah
now im sure you want to come visit me in my new diggs for summer, dont you?
of course you do.
actually Hoboken is cute(corporate cute) but if you're into that you'll like it.
in other news, i have my audition tonight which i am for a firts really not worried about. i think peter's class has helped me overcome my fear of my college professors. also i have to memorize a scene for class on sat which i dont want to do at all. but whatever ill look at it tonight and try and get it down.
rachel came to visit and that was smashing, we saw horses, manhunter and QandnotU and it was fuckin twix man. they were all so good. horses will never = black eyes, but they'll be what i can get. i was highly impressd with the crowd at N.6th cuz i thought they would be a buncha idiots but whatever, good times. especially cuz all of us were past drunk and dancing and getting our hate on towards the people around us haha gooo US!
well im sure as always i wanted to type more but i just dont have time. although i will include a photo shamelessly stolen from kira and one of me bored in the costume shop :
in love with love and lousy poetry
